In my line of work most of the correspondence I receive comes from spouses who have been cheated on . They are looking for advice on how to heal, to trust again, and how to move on . Sometimes, however , I hear from spouses who were cheating and want to make things right. They want to know how they can tell their husbands the truth , express their sadness , and ultimately save the marriage . What you say is very important in this situation, but your actions are equally important . I’ll discuss this more in the following article.
Before admission to cheating , have every thing corrected the best you Can: Never admit to having cheated while the case is still ongoing and you still have doubts about your commitment to your spouse or your marriage. This will be a blow to your partner and you will need to be able to tell them frankly that you are completely out of this relationship with the other person and are completely committed to work things out with your spouse.
Do not make your partner go through any more than this .It is enough just to break this very bad news and admitting that you ‘re not sure of your feelings towards them , marriage , will just be too much for them to bear. You want to be able to decisively and convincingly say that it is completely finished and you are 100 % committed to doing whatever it takes to save the marriage with your spouse .
If you can not do that at this moment , it is best to wait until you can. You want to give your spouse a viable plan and a safety net when you break the news. You want to have your plan to cure this already bad situation so that you can show an immediate and decisive action that proves your commitment. If your feelings are not yet settled or commitment is in question , then you will need to do some soul searching before this conversation.
Taking full responsibility for the case and choose your words carefully : You never , ever want to make excuses for yourself when you were the one who cheated . This is the time to be the responsible adult and take the blame for the situation that you created yourself . Many times when the feelings and accusations are flying and you look down the barrel of the wrath of your spouse, there is a tendency to be defensive and to offer an excuse or insinuate something like if your spouse had paid more attention to you, it would not have happened. These lame excuses will only infuriate them and make your spouse even more angry with you.
The truth is , you are to blame for your own actions and choices. Of course , your marriage is probably not perfect . None is . But you did make the decision that you made and it is now time to begin to make amends for it. Your spouse will respect you a lot more if you have the integrity to take responsibility for what you were doing .
When it’s time to disclose your cheating , you must choose your words carefully . You want to express your pain and your commitment especially . Want to show your emotion. You want your spouse to know that you are deeply sorry, you know that it will hurt them deeply, and you know that it is your responsibility to make things right . Be as gentle as you can with the details. Always refer to the cheating and the other person as a huge mistake that is completely in the past. Describe your plan to do things right and like I said , never make excuses or place blame on anyone but yourself.
Your spouse will have many questions . Always respond in a way that puts your spouse in the best light and places the blame at your feet. Try not to disclose anything that might be potentially devastating. Always try to keep their self-esteem in tact as much as you can .
The words you say is not as important as the action you take : Here’s what you have to understand . Since you have already betrayed your spouse, they will take much of what you say with a grain of salt. They will view all what you say with suspicion. Thus, your actions become much more important than what you actually say. You must show and not only say. You must hold on and continue to provide patience, comfort and affection. You must get help for your partner and also for your marriage if they is a need for it. And you should be willing to persevere and walk with them in their struggle through this difficult time. Always understand how difficult it is for them and try to be as loving and as understanding as possible .
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